


Not One Second

by Fishyz9



Category: Days of Our Lives
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-12
Updated: 2014-10-12
Packaged: 2018-02-20 22:23:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2445275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fishyz9/pseuds/Fishyz9
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Witnessing his mother’s grief forces Will to imagine a world without his husband.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not One Second

Not One Second.

I don’t want to go in just yet. I don’t want to touch what’s on the other side of this door with what’s probably written all over my face.

It’s difficult to watch my mother mourn. Her vibrant, fierce, bull in a china shop spirit has vacated and what’s left behind is silence and fragility. It’s shocking, but what’s worse is seeing your siblings cry for their dead father. Watching children grieve? It’s unnatural. It empties you. You hold them with arms that don’t feel strong enough and you say useless words, but there’s nothing to be done. They’re going to have to do this; they’re going to have get used to this absence and loss.

My mother’s trying to shield them, she really is, but her heart is a wounded creature within her chest, curled up and panting, in the throes of death. Her every breath shudders and she won’t stop looking at her hands, at the blood that has long since been washed away but has been stained in her memory. She’s holding on for them, pouring every last ounce of control into her voice so as to murmur sweet, motherly things to them, but I can so easily see that she’s waiting for them to wear themselves out. She’s waiting for them to slip into an exhausted, uneasy sleep so that she can cave-in. So that she can bury her face into her pillow and muffle her screams. Scream until she’s hoarse. Scream so that she can evacuate the horror inside of her for just a few moments so that she can feel nothing at all. She’s pining for those few moments of relief before her grief regains its shape and solidity and overwhelms her once again.

She’s probably doing it right now.

I should still be there, shouldn’t I? Marlena sent me away, told me to go home to be with my family. I argued that my family was there too and that they needed me, but she said they would need someone new to hold them tomorrow―Someone who had always been a source of comfort to them, and that I couldn’t be that person to them tomorrow if I was all used up today. She told me to let her be there for them for now so that I could be there for them tomorrow.

I was too easily convinced. I left too early. I think my grandmother saw the horror in my eyes, the desperate need to be away from the sounds of my broken hearted siblings and she took pity on me. I feel like a coward, but I needed to be to leave that mansion, I needed to come up for air. I needed what’s on the other side of his door.

My Sonny. My Sonny holding my daughter, smiling at her, playing with her. My beautiful, beautiful husband.

How is she _breathing_? How is she alive?

If my husband was taken from me, taken from my arms to be left alone on a slab in the morgue... If I had to hear Ari cry for her Sonny-bear, for her daddy... How would I comfort her when I couldn’t comfort myself?

I rest my brow against the door for a few more moments, taking some deep breaths before laying my hand on the door knob and turning. The lights are low in the living room and the place is tidy. It’s what he does when he’s stressed; he cleans, it’s incredibly domestic and one of the many quirks of his that I love.

“Hey,” He says softly, coming out of the bathroom with Ari wrapped up in a towel and slumped against his shoulder.  

He closes the door behind him quietly and I walk up to him, kissing his cheek and brushing a finger against her flushed cheek. “She’s almost asleep.”

“It’s been a long day for her, for everyone. She started to yawn so we cut bath time short.”

“Want me to put her down?”

“No, I’ve got her. Have you eaten?”

“I’m not hungry.”            

“That’s not what I asked.”

“No, I haven’t eaten.”

“I made some meatloaf earlier—yes, I just said meatloaf. It’s awesome so no Suzy Homemaker jokes. Heat some up, you need to eat.” He kisses me and I watch him leave too go to put down our sleepy little girl for the night.

My feet hurt and there’s a pounding behind my eyes. I open up the oven door and sure enough there’s a fairly decent half eaten meatloaf in there, smells good, too. But closing the oven door and turning knobs just requires too much energy right now. I walk over to the kitchen table and sink heavily into a chair.

What would I do without him? All this week he’s been there for me and my family. He was as shocked as me, felt as useless as me, but he still held my crying sister when my arms were full my crying brother. They love him, they gravitate to him. He’s warm and loving and has a way of making those close to him feel safe.

And he’s my angel. I don’t give a goddamn how sappy that is, it’s the truth. He came into my life and illuminated it. He married me, he saw imperfect me and fell in love. He saw all those flaws and thought they were beautiful. He called me his anchor, but it’s the other way around. If I didn’t have him, my Sonny…If I didn’t…if I lost him…

“What are you doing?”

I glance up and he’s standing in front of me with a concerned look on his face. “Sorry, I spaced.”

“Understandable.” He crouches in front of me, resting his folded arms across my knees. “It’s going to be rough for a while, but I’m here. Lean on me a little, okay?”

“I’m always doing that.”

“And I’ll do the same when my time comes, believe me.”

I let out a heavy sigh, my fingers unconsciously reaching to trace the shape of his face. “I didn’t even like him, not at the end, and yet…”

“You’re hurting because they’re hurting; it’s as simple as that.”

I nod my head. “I’ve always thought that I’ve pretty much been through it all, so that…if they came to me with a problem I’d always be able to help them.” I look down at my lap, down to where Sonny now holds my hands in his. “I don’t know what to say here.”

He drops his gaze “I know.” He says gravely.

“No big brother advice, no hug is going to make this better for them.  They’re going through something I’ve never…I can’t imagine…oh god, Sonny,” my voice breaks. “My poor brother and sister…” I let out a heaving breath and just as I feel as if I’m about to lose it he stands, pulling me close as I turn in my seat, burying my face against his stomach.

He gently cradles the back of my head, bending slightly to drop a protective kiss to the top of my head. “It’s okay,” he says softly. And they’re nonsense words that anyone would say, but coming from him they mean something.

“I’m sor—”

“No, this is what we do. I’m yours, you cry on me, you breakdown completely if you need to and I put you back together. Married, remember?”

 I nod my head, sniffing and pulling away. “Right.”

He tips my chin up. “Eat something? For me?”

I smile, or I try at least. “Sure. Suzy Homemaker.”

“You just couldn’t help yourself, could you?” He grins, narrowing his eyes at me and strides over to turn on the oven.

“You make it too easy,” I say, knowing that to hear me joke around will ease his mind a little.

“Or you’re just a dweeb, one of the two.” He says before opening the fridge, his back to me.

I’m feeling better. Just a hug, a kiss, and his voice and suddenly I can breathe again. He’s everything. He and Ari are my world, but there will be a day when she is grown and we will be her old silly dads. We’ll have to step back from her life a little, but he will still be everything. My life is tied up in that man, and that is the safest feeling in the world.

My mother felt the same about EJ, and now he’s gone.

He’s washing some lettuce under the faucet, turned away from me. I swallow hard, walk up behind him and just rest my hand on his shoulder.

“Hmm?”

He looks over his shoulder at me and my hand slides down his arm and I pull him close, my arms wrapping around my waist. He settles against me, his free hand brushing the forearm across his middle.

“You okay?”

I don’t answer him. I rest my cheek against his shoulder and clutch him close. I press a kiss to the side of his neck, my hands moving to grip the muscle of upper arms.

“Will?”

“Promise me something.” I don’t want to sound emotional but I do.

“What?” He whispers.

“When we’re old, let me go first. I can’t…I won’t live a single day without you. I won’t. I refuse.”

He turns in my arms. “Will, don’t. Don’t let your mind go there…”

“Promise me.”

“You know I can’t—”

“Please.” I whisper harshly, closing my eyes for a second. I shake my head and look at him, willing the stinging in my eyes to go away. “Just say that I won’t ever have to live in a world where you don’t exist, not for one second. I can’t ever…I need you. You …you’re everything to me

He looks at me, upset and helpless, and then just nods his head before kissing me. “I promise.”

It’s a promise he can’t keep and we both know it, but I feel better anyway.

“I love you, okay?” I say between kisses. “Forever.”

“Me too.”

I pull him close and wrap my arms around his shoulders, just hanging onto him. I stoke the back of his head, turning just slightly so that I can bury my nose into his hair. His hands clutch my waist before one hand sneaks up under my shirt to follow the curve of my naked back. “Me too.” He says again.

I pull back a fraction to look him in the eye. “We’ve got a lot of time ahead of us, haven’t we? Years of each other.

His hands gently frame my face. “We have decades ahead of us. That’s forty or fifty birthdays and anniversaries’, Christmases, vacations, fights, meatloaves…”

He gets a small laugh out of me and eyes grow warm at the sight of my smile.

“We’ll have a house one day, a big one with a yard and a tree, a garage, we’ll grow old there…”

“Wish shutters on the windows?” I ask.

“Yes.”

“Can I paint them?”

He laughs, his expression adoring. “As you wish.”

“I love our life.” I shrug helplessly. “I love us.”

He bites his lip. “We could…we could have more.”

I nuzzle close, brushing my nose against his. “More?”

“Our…” he wets his lips nervously. “Our perfect little family. We could make it bigger; we…we could have another child one day.”

I pull back a fraction, surprised by the barely concealed want in his voice, and by the fear underneath it. “You want to have more children?”

“I love being a father,” He lets out a breathy laugh. “Just… _so much_ , Will. I never thought that this would be my life but it is, and…there is nothing better. No mountain. No natural wonder beats you making Ari giggle, or Ari letting me feed her or her calling me daddy. And I love you as a father.” He nods, his thumbs brushing over my cheeks. “You’re so incredible; you’re so good at it…”

“You’ve been thinking about this for a while, haven’t you?”

“I’m not saying I want to do it now or even soon, but I just have so much love for you. I want to pour that love into another child someday. It’s just this…this overflow, you know? This overflow of what we have between us. It feels like the natural next step…”

“Yes.”

“You…yes you get it?” He says hopefully.

“Yes, I want to have another child with you. When it’s right, when it’s all you can think of, we’ll do it.”

A look of surprised joy washes over his face and he laughs before pulling me into his arms. I laugh too, and it’s not even forced. “Maybe a boy? A boy with your eyes?”

“I can’t believe you’re saying yes.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. I guess I was worried that you might only want Ari.”

The idea saddens me. “Well, so what if I was happy with it just being the three of us? That doesn’t mean we don’t talk about it if it’s something you want. Married, remember?” I echo quietly.

He nods. “I should have known better, you’re right.”

I brush my fingers against his cheek. “Nothing is off the table. And I love having a family with you too, when the time is right we’ll make it bigger, as big as you want.”

He nods and leans in to kiss me but then pauses, frowning slightly. “Is this wrong? To be talking about our future like this when…?”

A small part of me deflates, the grief of those closest to me creeping back in. “Maybe, but…we’re here, we’re still here and I’m not taking that for granted, not for a second.”

He kisses me again, and amidst the sadness and agony that has surrounded this family for the past week, which still surrounds us now, we make this promise to each other and seal it with a kiss.

 

 

 


End file.
